that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
