i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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