She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
