i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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