captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
