I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
