Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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