My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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