how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
