the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
