And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
