I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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