During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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