I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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