How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Damn victory sex feels great
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
