I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
