decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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