who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
