Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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