In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
