i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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