have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
