So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
