just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
