Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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