Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
