he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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