i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
