Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
