Don't make out with my wife yet
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
