Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
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