I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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