Kiss
Puke
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
