i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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