you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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