His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
