why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
