i jhust puked up my retainher.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
