What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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