You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm too high and old for this...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
