A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
