Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
