Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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