I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
