Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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