so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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