The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
