If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
