It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
