Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
