I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
