Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
